When Jessica and Zach first got engaged, they opened a joint bank account to save for their wedding. They each agreed to put in a certain amount from their paychecks each week and they easily settled on a budget that included what the dress would cost, how many people to invite, where to hold their wedding and all the other details. When Jessica wanted to spend a little more on a dress than originally planned, they discussed it and negotiated. The financial planning portion of the wedding was considered a success by them both. They had their dream wedding and stayed within the parameters of the budget. So why is it that five years later, money is dragging their relationship down?
A Kansas State University study found a correlation between money arguments and decreased relationship satisfaction, and that correlation is a top predictor of divorce.1 Men and women often do not view money from the same perspective.2 This can result in power struggles, and it often takes longer to recover from money arguments. Money, especially frivolous purchases, is the number one thing couples fight about. It is fraught with emotions and not always easy to discuss. Finances can bring stress and frustration to individuals and the couple as a whole. Spouses may feel their money habits are judged, and this can increase the tension.
It is helpful to acknowledge you both come from different backgrounds and may have grown up with varying money stories and lessons. Discuss the narratives around debt and spending. Do you see the world as abundant or through the lens of scarcity? Is one of you a meticulous saver while the other is an impulsive spender? You may never agree on everything concerning money, but it’s important to understand where your partner’s point of view comes from and realize they are not deliberately working against you.
Conflict is an opportunity to address issues and doesn’t mean the relationship is headed for divorce. Marriage involves balance and compromise and your lifestyle needs to line up with actual income. Try not to let salary differences come between you. Remember you are on the same team and pooling your resources to achieve your goals together.
Purchases should be openly talked about and not hidden from the other spouse; the same is true with stashing away cash and credit cards. Financial experts often see hiding money or purchases as creating a lack of trust. It is important to be open and honest. Do your best to set expectations together. On the other hand, no one should feel as though every dollar they spend needs to be “reported” to their spouse. Give grace when mistakes happen and pay attention to the lessons learned from those mistakes.
Tips on working together
The experts are divided as to whether couples should have joint or separate accounts, but the one thing they agree on is that all the household income should be viewed as a whole in the family budget. Here is a list of other things to keep in mind when setting a budget as a couple.
Be intentional when creating a financial plan. Have a calm, honest and open conversation when both of you are relaxed. Healthy communication is a key element to working toward financial harmony. Work from the facts, not emotions. Numbers are neutral. If you don’t agree on certain expenditures, dig deeper to determine the root cause that may be creating the rift.
If you can’t work out the financial issues together, consult with a financial professional. Remember, marriage is a partnership. Couples need to work together in all areas, including money. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can destroy relationships.
[1] https://www.k-state.edu/media/newsreleases/jul13/predictingdivorce71113.html
[2] https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/battle-sexes-how-men-women-view-money-kari-mcleod-mba/\
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